Zane's Advice

 

If you would like to ask an advice question, please email me at zane@eroticanoir.com

 

Question:

What's going on Zane?!? Gurl, your books are the shiznit! I read E. Lynn and Eric Jerome on the regular. I picked up "Addicted" and "The Sex Chronicles" at this little kiosk in the mall that sold nothing but African American books. Once I read both of those, I went back the next week and bought "Shame On it All". I've learned so much information from you. Then I went on the Erotica Noir website...Oh My Dayum!! Ok, enough babbling...on with my situation...

I think I am truly addicted to sex. I was married for 4 years, separated for 2 out of the four. During the end of our relationship, the thought of having sex with him disgusted me. After we separated I dated here and there. We are now officially divorced. I am constantly fantasizing about sex. Even about complete strangers. And when I meet a man of interest, I don't know how long I should wait before I do have sex with him. Part of me tells me I am a grown-ass 26 year old woman and I shouldn't be ashamed of anything and I should find out up front if I am sexually compatible with this person. The
other part of me says I need to wait and not act like a slut. I haven't mastered the art of masturbating, but I'm working on it. But you know sometimes a woman needs the real thing. Some meat. Flesh against flesh. Some weight on top of me or behind me or underneath me. Know what I mean? I consider myself "sexually free to a degree", I'll try things. But I haven't
found the person to try those things with. Should a person live out their fantasies? I mean if I don't then I'll always have them right? My mother was/is very promiscuous. And I witnessed some of her experiences. And she gained a reputation. I'm afraid of becoming the person she is because of my sexual desires. Can you give me any advice? Thank you.

Continue doing what you do.

A Fan ALWAYS!!

Sex-On-The-Brain

Response:

Dear Sex-On-The-Brain,

Tomorrow is promised to no one so yes, you should live out your fantasies as long as you do it safely and use protection. Nothing is more disappointing than to spend a lot of time getting to know a man only to discover that you are sexually-incompatible months later. While sex is not everything, it is something.

Masturbation is wonderful but a real person in the bed beside you takes it to another level, especially if that person is compassionate and understanding. I don't think you are addicted to sex. I think you are normal but just falling into that paradigm that society has instilled in so many young women that men can do what they wish but women must refrain. That is bullshit because we have just as much right to fall asleep at night sexually content as they do.

By no means am I suggesting that you go out and start boning men right and left because that is much too risky. However, you need not abstain from sex to fit into some sort imaginary time frame to properly give it up.

Thanks for the compliments on my books and please keep in touch.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Dear Zane,

I'm a 26-year-old female, who has a potentially excellent lover but it seems as if he is scared to let himself go sexually. I try to tell him what I need to be fulfilled sexually. Currently, I feel as sex is just to please him. When we have sex, I just want him to hurry a nut so I can go about other tasks. My sex drive is in overdrive, I know I'm freaky and want to share myself completely with him through role playing, a little S-n-M and
whatever else there is to experience but every time I bring up the subject he states that I don't love him and I'm rejecting by telling him the sex is whack. When we first started dating he was willing to experiment. Now all he wants is head and sex. I try to tell him that his approach to our sexual encounters are boring and not a turn on. I like foreplay, I like oral sex as well and I want a little romance and creativity but to no avail the same ole same to the point where he has an orgasm and I'm left unsatisfied....Please suggest how can I reclaim my wild and hesitant lover!!!!

Hopelessly Unsatisfied

Response:

Dear Hopelessly Unsatisfied,

I hate to throw it out here like this but brotherman is being selfish and that is the bottom line. There used to be a saying on birth control/STD posters that went something like: "If he doesn't care enough about you to wear a condom, then he doesn't care at all." Well, it comes to follow that if he doesn't care enough about you to make sure that you are satisfied sexually, then he doesn't care at all. I am sure he says that he cares, that he even loves you and in his mind, he probably does but you need to make it perfectly clear to him that if he can't make a sincere effort to give you more foreplay and experimentation, then there is no point in your continuing to please him. Why should you be playing a game of musical chairs and be the only one left standing when the music stops?

His ego is probably bruised because you have mentioned it. However, mentioning it and giving an ultimatum are two different things. If you don't want to take the blunt/harsh route, then the only other solution is to take the initiative and plan some of the things you mentioned and dare his ass to tell you no after you have gone through all the trouble. At 26, he should be old enough to understand that women have needs that must be met. Let me know what happens.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Dear Zane,

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for over a year. We've done it just about any and everywhere but last time we had sex he said that I was really open. he look at my pussy and said it looked like he could fit his whole hand inside. I noticed that I was kind of open but I can't stop fucking him. It's
too good. How can I tighten up? He said how every time we have sex, its tight at first but after a few strokes I'm wide open. I haven't been with anyone else so is there another explanation? Thanks a lot. I love your books. You are a very talented writer.

Too Open

Response:

Dear Too Open,

First off, your boyfriend is extremely rude and insensitive. I hope that youth and immaturity is his excuse. Then again, there really is no excuse for that. To say that a woman's pussy is too big is the equivalent of a woman saying that a man's dick is too small. Unless he is hung like a mule, maybe he is the problem. I say that sarcastically but men like him really piss me off.

More than likely, you get extremely wet during sexual arousal and that is the reason that his dick eases in and out so easily. Some women are naturally heavily lubricated and the more pleasurable the experience, the wetter you should get. The problem is when a woman is bone dry because something is seriously wrong. I know that you want to stay with him so I will suggest that you learn how to do Keigel exercises, meaning to just squeeze your pelvic muscles and hold them for several seconds before releasing them. Sort of like holding it in when you have to pee. In fact, you can practice it when you go to the bathroom. Start to urinate and then squeeze to hold the rest in before releasing it in small streams. This will get you used to squeezing onto his dick during sex. Another good tool, even though not advertised as a sex aide, is the Thighmaster. If you place it up between your thighs instead of between your knees, it will work wonders.

I hope this helps but on the real tip, any man that would come out of his mouth and say something like that to you is probably not worth your time. Especially a man that you have been involved with long term. I wish you well and keep in touch.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Dear Zane,

I am really feeling your site! I appreciate your work and look forward to getting into your next project!

My problem is--- I was in this relationship with this guy for over 5 years. Sex is off the hook with him. I have had the pleasure of growing with him sexually. He and I have experienced everything together. The problem is that I was so in love with this guy. He is a wonderful provider and took great care of me financially, but the little things (Thank You's, you look nice today., How are you feeling? etc.) was what was missing in our relationship. He would never talk to me about us and I began to feel stagnated. The relationship wasn't going anywhere emotionally.

I ended the relationship and then felt like crap. I love this guy and missed "The Dick." It took us over a year to start creeping. Now every time he sees me, which is weekly, it's me, him, and one of his friends, frat brothers, or whoever else he decides to pimp me to. Now don't get me wrong. I don't ever mind being between 2 or 4 from time to time. It's just sometimes I long for it to just be me and him. I am afraid to say something to him about it because I don't want him to turn around and just stop fucking with me altogether. So, what do you think I should do? Seeking your advice. I thank you in advance for taking the time.

Confused in Brooklyn.

Response:

Dear Confused,

There is no nice way for me to say this so I am just going to say it. The brother is using you. He has no respect for you and you said it best when you chose the word "pimp." While I know that you love this man, the feelings are not reciprocated and as hard as it will be to break it off, you need to do that immediately. I hope that you are practicing safe sex with all of these men but, even if you are, we are living in the world of AIDS now and you must be very careful and treat your body like the temple that it is.

Trust me when I say that there is someone out there that can and will love you with the respect and admiration that you deserve. Someone that will tell you that you look beautiful, someone who will ask about your day and thank you for just being you. This man realizes that you love him to the brink of desperation and you must get away from him. Do you honestly think that he can take your seriously enough to ever marry you? Girlfriend, email me back when you get rid of him. Nothing good can come from this.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Dear Zane,

I am sooooo in love with this guy and I think he feels the same about me but I won't say a word about it. The thing is that we live in two different states and we are getting along fine. We were together before but it got too hard so we broke it off. Now I am back to where I started with him and I know he has some feelings for me but I just don't know what they are. I am moving up there, but not to be with him. I am moving because of school. What am I going to do? I would like to settle this before I move there. I don't like feeling confused.

Hates Confusion

Response:

Dear Hates Confusion,

There is only one option. Ask him how he envisions your connection once you move closer to him. Ask him does he have sincere feelings for you and express what you are feeling as well. Ask him if there is someone else in his life that might complicate matters and make it clear that you have no intentions on sharing his attention. Obviously, if you took the time out to write me for advice, this is really weighing heavily on your mind. You absolutely have to do something about it or face being stressed out indefinitely. My only caution: be emotionally prepared to take the news that he might not be interested or that he might have stronger feelings toward someone else. Either way, you have to find out the truth. Good luck and let me know what happens. Most importantly, put your education ahead of everything.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Dear Zane,
First let me start by saying that I love your website and your books are the bomb. You are such an inspiration to me even though I don't know you. Please keep doing what you are doing. But anyway, I have a question for you and I hope you can help me. This sounds like a dumb question, but they say the dumb questions are the ones that aren't asked. So here goes. Me and my boyfriend have great passionate sex, but for some reason I only cum when he is on top of me doing his thing or when I am on top of him doing my thing. I never
climax when we do it from the back or several other positions. It's not that he isn't doing a good job or hitting the right spots 'cause it feels REALLY GOOD. I hear other girls say how they cum doing it from the back, that's what makes me wonder is there something wrong with me. Please help me Zane. Any
advice would be greatly appreciated. Also if you have any tips on the proper way to RIDE would great as well. Thank You Zane for giving me just a little of your time I know you are a busy person.

In Need of Help

Response:

Dear In Need of Help:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Different people are satisfied by different things. You say that it feels good in all the different positions and that is the most important thing. If it were boring you or causing you physical discomfort, that would be an entirely different story. The mere fact that you can obtain orgasms at all puts you way ahead in the game because there are still hundreds of thousands of women that never achieve a single orgasm in their lifetime. Sad but true.

As for riding a dick, I would recommend sitting facing the man on a chair so that you can keep your feet on the floor for better movement control. Straddle him and take your time moving back and forth, ask him if it feels good, ask him what way you can move to make it feel better. Experiment with movement patterns until you catch a rhythm that you both enjoy immensely. Communication is key.

Do not worry about lack of orgasms in certain positions. You have a man that satisfies you so count your blessings.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Hi Zane,

I like your manual on how to fuck a man. I was pleased with myself to read it and realize I've done most of that stuff without a teacher 'cept my 'men' and my imagination. I had some thoughts, though, while reading about the anal sex. I've done it before and was real uncomfortable doing it, and after and having the cum in my ass (I was also in a dwindling relationship at the time). Does it screw up your shit and regularity and stuff like that?

Peace, from a shit disturber

Zane

Response:

Dear Shit Disturber:

Anything can cause damage if not done correctly. However, as a rule, no, anal sex does not screw up your shit and regularity. If it was really uncomfortable to you, either it was not done right or it is simply not for you. If you are considering having anal sex, there should be no cum in your ass because you should be practicing safe sex whether vaginal or anal. That is, unless you and in a monogamous relationship, you are confident that your partner is faithful, and you have both been tested. I am glad you enjoyed the manual and please take care.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Dear Zane:

I'm thirty years old and my husband is 42. My problem is I can't connect with him on the sex thing. Once I discovered your site I suggested he check it out then I started suggesting little things I learned reading your site. He still don't get it. Most of the time he brings me right to the edge but I can't come. Oral sex is great but I need the big D to back it up. I just recently started masturbating and I love it but I want more. I've even considered having an affair with an old homey-lover-friend but I want great sex with my husband. He's a one-timer and I want that one time to count. We tried lots of different things and we talk about how we want it and what we want but it's just not working. Any other tips?

Response:

I am a bit confused. You've already talked about what each other wants so that isn't the problem. Are you saying that his performance during actual penetration is lacking? I did notice that there is an age difference, but he is still young. Are either one of you under a great deal of stress? That can really affect your sex drive and ability to have orgasms. You say that you can't connect to him on the sex thing. Are the two of you connecting on all other things or are there other circumstances that might possibly be carrying over into your bedroom? Having an affair is definitely not the solution, unless you are willing to risk the possibility of losing your husband altogether.

My suggestion is for the two of you to continue to try additional things: role-playing, sex in unusual places, romantic getaways, etc. That brings me to my last question. Is sex taken for granted or do the two of you still engage in romantic things? If not, that is the place to start. If all else fails, I would suggest counseling before I allow the marriage to dissolve. Please keep in touch.

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

Question:

Zane, What a beautiful site....Hats of to you sistahgirl. Now on to my question...I am a married women and have been with this man for almost 17 years. My problem is our lovemaking sucks most of the time. Mind you we both can reach an orgasm in record time (say 5 minutes or less) It's not my orgasm that is my problem (I can pretty much have them at will, with or without him) I am tired of this rat race-this get yours, I get mine and we can go to sleep. I am also worried because our foreplay and kissing as waned. I really enjoy kissing and felt it was pretty much how I got all hot and bothered. When I bring this up to him, he says "girl we kiss" and my reply is "I'm not talking about bird pecks you give me in the morning." He says I am just being silly and that I read way to many romance novels and don't spend enough time in reality. Let me back up a little bit. I am 32 years old and my husband is 40 we've been together almost 17 years. You do
the math. He was my first and only lover and for some reason, I now feel cheated, I feel he takes me for granted and that he feels as long as I "get mine" I shouldn't be complaining. Now my question-Is foreplay and kissing a big part of love making or am I just a hopeless romantic and want the flowers and candles the nice slow music the sweet kisses on the neck, the back rubs, the kissing until your lips feel bruised. Or is it a rat race to orgasm?

Hopeless in Denver

Response:

Dear Hopeless in Denver:

No, you are not just a hopeless romantic. Foreplay and kissing is extremely important for lovemaking, especially for women. The reason being that women, in general, take longer to become stimulated than men. A lot of times women fake headaches because they know that by the time they get sufficiently aroused, the act is usually over and, therefore, what is the point? Just because you have been together for seventeen years is no excuse for laziness when it comes to sex. You can tell your husband I said that if you want. Orgasms should never be in the same sentence as rat race. Insist on the romance or withhold the sex. That will bring him around. :-)

Peace and Blessings,

Zane

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