Zane

Crossing The Line

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by Zane

Dear Zane,

I don’t have many friends where I currently live, due to the fact that I moved from my hometown to get my life back together. All I pretty much do is work and visit family. Well, about a year ago, I met this friend. We kick it and help each other out when it is needed. She is one of my best friends but I have a question. My girl and her baby’s daddy split up and he keeps calling me, wanting to hang out. We get along good as friends but I feel guilty. There is nothing going on between the two of us—never has and never will be—but we have hung out. My question is: should I feel guilty for kicking it with her ex? Am I in the wrong for hanging out with him, even though we are just friends?

Signed,

Crossing the Line

Dear Crossing the Line,

The response depends on many things, most importantly the circumstances of their break up. If he did something to totally disrespect her, or if he is not being an appropriate father to his child, then you are cosigning on his behavior by befriending him. Thus, that does not make you a true friend to her. If they had an amicable and mutual break up, that may be different. However, you are bold to state that you will never be more than friends. Anything is possible when a man and a woman are “kicking it” on a regular basis.

By emailing me, you must already feel a certain degree of guilt deep down inside. I am not sure if she is aware of the time the two of you are spending together. I sense that she is not and, again, you are not being a true friend by engaging in such behavior behind her back. I cannot tell you what to do but you need to evaluate which friendship you cherish more because in the long run, I seriously doubt you can keep both alive and well. Eventually some drama will ensue and then you will be forced to make a choice—or it will be made for you.

Personally, I cannot think of a single reason why one of my closest female friends would need to spend a significant amount of time with one of my exes, rather less the father of my children/ex-husband.

Blessings,

Zane

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A Mrs. Who Wants to Be Me

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by Zane

Dear Zane,

First off, I want to say that I love your work. You have a gift and are a very talented author. Keep up the great work. Now that that’s out of the way, I have a problem. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year but we have been together for about five. He is a wonderful man, my soul mate, my EVERYTHING! I even get tingles when I think about him. He is the laid-back type and I am more extroverted and outgoing, having always been known as the “go-to girl” if anyone had a question or needed advice and things like that. In fact, I aspire to be a sex therapist.

Back to my issue. I have a friend serving in Iraq; we have been friends since I was five. We were “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” in the 3^rd and 4^th grades but, besides that, we have always been just really good friends. Being the type of person that I am—working in an adult novelty store—I offered to send my friend some magazines and DVDs. This started an ongoing argument between my husband and me. He says that “as a married woman, it is not my responsibility to see that another man gets a nut.” I am not even looking at it that way. I have always been an open person about sexuality and, as of late, I feel like I cannot be myself without having to hear his mouth. I admit that in the FAR past, I have done some things that I should not have. I have apologized and been forgiven—I think—but this is getting out of hand. I have damn near had it with his attitude toward my sexual openness. In my mind, a friend is a friend—be it a man or a woman. Am I wrong? I thank you in advance for your response.

Signed,

A Mrs. Who Still Wants to Be Me

Dear A Mrs. Who Still Wants to Be Me,

Until I got to the last few lines, I was going to say that your husband was probably overreacting. However, once I read that you have made some mistakes and been forgiven—maybe forgiven—that made a big difference. I am going to assume that you cheated on your husband before your marriage and thus, he has every reason to think that it could happen again. Sending items to a male friend in Iraq to sexually arouse him might throw any married man into a frenzy. Would you think it was cool for him to send one of his female friends a dildo or vibrator?

When we get married, we make certain concessions and one of them should be a desire to mutually respect one another. Every person has different triggers—buttons that can be pushed—and you clearly know that this is one of your husband’s. It is not worth risking your marriage to prove a point about being sexually open. Be sexually open with him and let your friend fend for himself when it comes to magazines and DVDs. Losing your marriage over such nonsense is not worth it. If you are seriously considering making it a bigger issue than it is, you need to rethink your true feelings for your husband.

When people get married, they have to sacrifice certain things and you need to get it together, or risk it all for a bunch of nonsense.

Blessings,

Zane

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Is Lack Of Trust Normal in a Relationship

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by Zane

Dear Zane,

I have been reading your blogs on your MySpace page. I like how you keep it real with fans… I’m going through a situation and I would like your input, because I don’t know what to do. I’ll try to keep this as short as possible…I’ve known my boyfriend since we were about five or six. We were just friends throughout the years; even though we had crushes on one another. Around thirteen, we lost contact. About two years ago, I got in contact with him again. I only found him because he was locked up. We began writing one another; catching up. We discussed how we felt about one another when we were younger. Within months, we became close; revealing secrets that we never told anyone. He talked about his mother being abused and I talked about me being molested; not by one but two family members. We really opened up to one another; we became best friends again. The feelings that we had for one another came back up, but he didn’t want a relationship because of him being locked up and I respected that. So we continued to be friends, and towards the end of last year, he told me how he really felt for me.

He told me that he loved me and he wanted to be with me, he said that he felt that way for months but he kept it to himself because of his situation… about 3 months ago he was released and we have been together ever since. The problem is, it’s a long distance relationship (Which is hard), we try to see each other once or twice a month. We never go 3 days without talking on the phone, when we talk on the phone he always tells me that he loves me and misses me and how he appreciates me sticking with him. We argue from time to time about me being quiet and I let him know that being through what I have been through has shut me up. He tells me that he understands and says that he wouldn’t pressure me and give me time to open up, but then a few days later he brings it up again and we are arguing again.

Sometimes I wonder if he’s fooling around because all of his friends fool around on their women. Of course I’ve brought this up to him and he told me that I don’t have nothing to worry about because he loves me and that I have stuck with him through these past two years when people who were close to him neglected him, and how as a kid he always wanted to be with me and now that he has me, he is not going to mess this up. He always fills me in on what he does, he doesn’t keep me in the dark about anything, and he hasn’t given me any reason that he would cheat on me. One side wonders if he is, though, and that causes me to worry. My question is, is it normal to feel this way when long distance plays a part in a relationship? I’m confused… I’ve been told to follow my head and my heart. I don’t know which to choose. My heart is saying he’s not fooling around. And my head is like “How do you know that he’s not?” It’s like I’m stuck and I don’t know which direction to go. For the record, he is not the type that parties, he’s all about working and making money (the legal way). What is your opinion? Am I just being paranoid because we are not around one another? Or could it just be that I’m afraid of being hurt by him? I really do love him deeply.

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

In this case, I have to say to give the brother a chance to prove himself. If this were a man that you met while he was locked up and now you are all into him, it would be a different story. You have known him your entire life and from what you told me, it does not seem that he has given you cause for alarm. It is absolutely normal to wonder if your mate is cheating when you are in a long distance relationship. Most men cannot go lengthy periods of time without sex. However, since he was locked up for a long time, he should be used to it so he could be refraining.

Believe it or not, there are some honest, monogamous men on this planet and he may be one of them. Keep doing what you are doing but practice safe sex at all times—you should be in the first place. Also, you need to open up to him and communicate. You cannot harp on the past. Believe me, if I did that, I would never even look at a man again in life. We have all been through trifling ass men but there are decent ones. You cannot let the past dictate your present and future. I wish you the best and learn how to speak you mind, including your concerns. This might be the best thing that has ever happened to you, if you embrace it and allow yourself to be free of the mental chains built up because of what you have been through.

Blessings,

Zane

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Tatto Vs. Clean Cut

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by Zane

Dear Zane,I am not sure if I am really looking for advice or just a co-signer on what I am feeling. Either way, I hope that you will be 100% honest.

I ended a relationship of 5 years back in January. The guy was a nice guy, but our relationship was just not working. I have known him since I was 13 and he was a little older than me. We were good friends prior to the relationship, but the relationship was just that ~ a friendship with a new name. We really did not have much in common, we didn’t like to the same things; we were not on the same page sexually; and we had big communication issues. He was however a “nice guy;” nice looking and my mom LOVES him to death!!!! She thinks he is perfect and can do no wrong.

I am now dating a guy who is handsome. However, he has visible tattoos, 3 kids and 3 baby mamas. I am so head over heels in love it is ridiculous!!!!! I had no idea that love could be this way again. We get along; we enjoy doing the same things and still have our own separate lives; he is kind, caring, considerate; he cooks for me; he pampers me; and he makes me feel soooooooooooooooo special. The problem….I can’t help but worry that my mom and other family/friends will judge him based on his tattoos and kids. My dad has met him and he is lukewarm as he always his. My aunt likes him (more than she did the other guy). My dad’s mom thinks he is nice. I also worry about what other people may think. When they see me with him and compare him to the last guy ~ Tattoos v. Clean Cut.

But then, when all is said and done, I keep coming back to who cares!!! I say to hell with them. If they don’t like him too bad. If they are judgmental about superficial things too bad. But I don’t want him to be uncomfortable and I really want my mom to like him.

I guess my question to you is at the end of the day what should really matter… How I feel or what others think?

Thanks!

Tattoo vs. Clean Cut

Dear Tattoo vs. Clean Cut,

You have to always live your life for you. Most of us would not choose the same mates for our closest friends and family members that they have chosen for themselves. But they see something in them that complements them and makes them happy. If the man makes you happy and pampers you, go for it—with caution. The only thing that concerns me is that he has three kids with three women, which more-than-likely means he has some issues when it comes to commitment and responsibility. We should not judge people based on looks, though, and that includes tattoos vs. clean cut. There are a ton of pitbulls walking around in Brooks Brothers suits; believe that.

What should really matter? What you feel should matter. People will always criticize others when they are not even cognizant of what is happening in their own home—or bedroom.

You gave the other man five years to rock your world and it did not happen, it was simply a matter of comfort. You did something that most will never do; you stepped out of that comfort zone. Believe it or not, you did the first man a favor because life is short and he now has the opportunity to find someone who can reciprocate his feelings. That is priceless. Every day is a gift; do not spend it worrying about what others think. Now if it ever gets to the point where some craziness jumps off and they step in to try to rationalize with you or protect you, then listen.

Blessings,

Zane

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So Truly In Love With Him

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by Zane

Dear Zane,

I am writing you because I just read your book Dear G-Spot and it was amazing. You really have a knack for telling people the real deal. That’s what I really need at the moment. I am a 21-year-old woman and I am already madly in love. I made the mistake by letting him go for someone else, when I was younger and dumber. Now that I have gotten back in touch with him, things aren’t the same. He’s married and even though they are separated and I know she has someone else, he’d rather stay married to her than pay for a divorce.

At first I didn’t care about that. He was back in my life. The other night, we had sex and, man, it was the best sex I ever had. Now that we’re being intimate, all my feelings are coming back. Even though he and his wife are separated, I still feel like I am the one getting played. In my eyes, I feel like I should have that title if he really loves me, you know. Am I supposed to accept the fact that he doesn’t plan on getting a divorce, even though they have two different lives? There has to be something remaining between them, don’t you think? I want to tell him that he can’t have his cake and eat it too, but what if he decides that he wants to stick in that horrible marriage? Then I will be so heartbroken. I really feel that our love can be started over. I know that I can be the wife that he wanted her to be. I don’t think I deal well with him living the life like a married man. I feel like I am turning into a mistress and that’s something I don’t want to be. I want to be the main one.

How can I tell him that I can’t be the other woman without him leaving me? I know it might take you a while to respond to my letter. Take your time. I will be waiting for your opinion. Thank you so much for your time.
Signed,
so truly in love with him

Dear So Truly In Love With Him,

This is a tough one in some ways but easy in others. You gave him up for someone else and he got married to another. Now that things have gone awry with them, as it does with the majority of marriages, you want a total commitment from him. You want to be the main one, to be the wife that he wanted, but yet, he is dealing with the fact that you once left him heartbroken. He had to mend the pieces of his heart and he chose her.

It could very well be that he does not want to finance a divorce because they can be expensive and I have no clue about his economical situation. Depending on the state, if they have been married any significant amount of time, she may be entitled to half of whatever he has. I know people who have been separated for decades and never divorced. The two of them might do that, unless he decides that marrying you becomes a priority.

You need to be honest with him, no matter what. You need to tell him that you feel like the other woman, the mistress. On paper, she is the one and will be until that matter is handled. Could it be that they still have feelings? Yes. Many people separate and get back together. I do not know how long they have been apart but I get the feeling that this is a recent thing. Thus, depending on how strong their feelings are for each other, anything is possible.

My suggestion to you—after you tell him how you feel—is to be careful because he may be with you because of comfort, since you were once together. He might even be using you to make her jealous, while getting back at you for dumping him in the past. Or he might actually love you to death and still wants to make what once was come back alive. However, it is unfair for you to put your life on hold for another. If marriage is a goal for you, do not let him interfere with it. Since he has been married once—and still is—he may not want to ever do it again. Thus, as long as you are open to being with him sans the marriage license, he might not want to bother getting a divorce.

To be honest, you said the other night you had sex and it was great. I am getting the feeling that his reentry into your life is very recent and you need to distinguish love from lust. A lot of women fall in love with the dick—not the man. This comes down to communication. Ask him what is on his mind, what his plans are for the two of you, and if his lack of excitement about pursuing a divorce is a temporary thing or just until he can save up the funds to do it. Until you know his responses to all of those things, you cannot make an informed decision.

Blessings,

Zane

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Trying to Keep the Faith

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by Zane

Dear Zane,

I’m in a bad situation. I have been hurt by so many guys that now, it is hard for me to tell who is a good guy and who is a bad guy. The guy I’m with has a lot of female friends but I have my best friend saying she feels he is just a player. He tells me how he feels and I can’t tell if he is just trying to get with me or not. How can you tell if a guy is into you? If I didn’t feel so deeply for this guy, I would simply let go but I can’t. I think I love him, so what do I do? And do I have the right to have trust issues with this man? And also how can I get over trust issues with men? I believe that all men are not the same but still haven’t found one to prove me wrong yet.I don’t know what to sign my letter as so can you do it for me.

Signed,

Trying to Keep the Faith

Dear Trying to Keep the Faith,

You are like tons of other damaged women walking the earth, including myself. You find it hard to believe that decent, honest, faithful men exist because you seem to keep dealing with everything but someone who has those qualities. However, your best friend saying that he is a player does not make her word the gospel. What are her reasons for making such a statement? Other than the fact that he has a lot of female friends? I have more male friends than female—men I spend a lot of time with—but I am not intimate with them and most of the time, the thought never crosses my mind.

There is no definitive way to tell if a man is into you. All are different on how they express their feelings because we are all a culmination of everything we have ever experienced or been taught. If he says that he wants to be with you, do not doubt him unless he gives you a reason to. Definitely follow your gut instincts though. Rarely do they lie. While I realize that is it hard to keep the faith, we have to trust someone sometime and if you love him, give him a chance.

Blessings, Zane

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Are Eight Inches Enough?

Posted on July 13th, 2008 by Zane

Dear Zane,

I know you are really busy but I was hoping that you would be able to let me know what’s really REAL on a topic that’s really had me messed up for about a good week now.Long story short, I was seeing this chick who ended up cheating on me with some guy. (She’s actually BI-SEXUAL and has a girlfriend that I knew about but that’s another story all together) I didn’t know about the guy. But anyway, she cheated and then decided to roll with him. ‘OK, fine it is what it is,’ I say. But before she goes, she makes a point of telling me how much BIGGER his dick is than mine! I’m like WTF part of the game is that? Now I know that I’m not the ‘biggest’ dude in the world (FOR the record I’m 8 & 1/4 inches… yes I’ve measured!) and until she said that I had always felt pretty good about what I’ve got. But the fact that she smacked me across the face like she did (and I’ll keep it all the way 100 with u Z-EZ, I think he probably did fuck her better cause one night she actually called me so I could LISTEN to them while they had sex. Now while it was no big deal in the beginning… by the time they were nearing the end, I heard her making SOUNDS for him that I had NEVER heard b4!) has me wondering. Am I small? I mean, I’m not a minute man, and it would make sense if he’s got 9 or 10 inches as opposed to my 8 that she would react different. But my question is: What is the limit on what’s considered BIG or SMALL? Is 8 inches ok? And should I just chalk this up to the game or am I really a small fry?

I read a lot and I’ve noticed that most authors never write about 8 inch guys. It’s usually 9, 10 or better. So is that what a brother needs to be considered ‘NICE’? I’m hurt down here Zane. I’m really trying to figure where we’re at in the game. So will u please help shed some light on this for me soon as time permits.

Signed

Is Eight Enough

Dear Is Eight Enough,

Let me preface this by saying that the young woman—I cannot call her a lady—that you were dealing with is immature and ultimately will have her chickens come home to roost. The other dude she is fucking has to be wondering what type of whore she must be to call you on the phone so you can hear the two of them fucking. I am willing to bet that he will never consider her wifey material—just someone who stroked his ego along his quest to get notches on his belt.

The average penis size is between five and six inches, and most are smaller than average. Thus, you are well-endowed, despite what she says. Now that does not mean that the other guy is not a better performer in bed when it comes to movement, hitting the g-spot, etc. However, unless he has twelve inches or more, I would not say that you are losing out because of size. An inch or two will not make or break a sexual experience.

If I were you, I would put that wench out of your mind and move on. She is silly and HOPEFULLY very young because I cannot imagine any woman over the age of 21 doing something so asinine.

Others may chime in on what they feel is a “nice” size but for me, eight is definitely enough and more than most have.

Blessings, Zane

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I Want to Write a Book

Posted on June 16th, 2008 by

Dear Zane,

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.YOU ARE THE GREATEST. I HAVE A QUESTION, I’M NOT THE BEST WRITER, BUT I HAVE AN IMAGINATION OUT OF THIS WORLD AND I WANT TO WRITE I BOOK.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

You Are My Inspiration

Dear You Are My Inspiration:

There is only one thing to do: write it and stop telling yourself that you cannot do something in this life that another human being can do. Use your imagination and put it down on paper and then tweak or rewrite as needed but the first thing to do is to start somewhere and that means just doing it.

Zane

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Looking for a J-O-B

Posted on June 16th, 2008 by Zane

Hello Zane!

I know that you probably receive millions of e-mails on MySpace a day, but I have a quick question that I think, well I know, you will be able to help me with. I will be receiving my degree in English in August, I’m finishing up my last four classes right now. I am currently looking for a job with a publishing company or with a magazine until I get my first book finished. I am not married and I do not have any children, so I can make a major move to a big city for a job. I live in a small town (Fort Walton Beach, Florida) and there are not many job opportunities here for English majors besides the newspaper. I was wondering if you personally knew of any magazines or publishing companies that have entry level openings for English majors? I’m just trying to get my foot in the door with the job of my dreams. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to read my little ol’ e-mail

Best,

Looking for a J-O-B

Dear Looking for a J-O-B,

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.